Allergy angst...

On Tuesday night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about my allergy tests and what it might mean for me. And most importantly, I couldn't decide which path to take that would be best for my health. Get rid of all the foods I tested positive to? Only avoid the foods I have been avoiding for the last 12 years or so?

I spent Wednesday night reading every source on the internet that I possibly could. Evaluating the consequences of each choice in their own manner...

Yesterday I made an attempt at a total elimination of the top 8 allergens (wheat, tree nuts, peanuts, dairy, seafood, shellfish, eggs, and soy). I survived! I was even impressed by how well I ate--I plugged my foods into SparkPeople all day long to tally up how many grams of protein, carbs, fiber, etc. I got. I wound up with a large amount of protein, but plenty of carbs as well! And the best part was, I didn't feel deprived.... until today.

Today was a whole different story. I got up and started off with a top-8 free breakfast (oatmeal with applesauce, brown sugar, and cinnamon sugar). I have the day off and so does J and so we went out to have some fun. When noon rolled around I suddenly got VERY shaky. I felt it in my hands first, and soon the muscles in my legs were trembling as well--a blood sugar crash!! I wound up having to grab a hot dog at a nearby stand in order to remedy that, and even then it took a little bit of time. The hot dog probably was NOT top-8 free.

Six hours (and some additional protein, and a snack) later, my hands are still trembling, although less. Which got me thinking... I'll need to be more aware of the balance of protein and carbs I have for each meal. I can't do a meal of mostly carbs, as I found out the hard way. And two hours ago, I caved. That "snack" I mentioned? Frosted brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts. Every bite was goooood. As D pointed out, I'm fine. But I don't feel fine--I feel guilty!!

One side of my brain says, you ate milk, wheat, eggs, dairy and soy EVERY SINGLE DAY before Tuesday. What exactly has changed besides those test results?!

The other side says, you tested positive to peanuts when you were fourteen even though you'd never had a serious reaction (only a scratchy throat, coughing, etc.)--who knows when consuming these things might become fatal.

So is there a middle ground between these 2 extremes? That's what I'm asking myself now.... and I believe there is. Since I've never experienced wheat, milk, eggs, dairy, or soy as life-threatening, I will not treat them as such. Ignorance is bliss, maybe. (But for me it usually equals guilt!) Instead, I will do my best to eat as well as I did on Thursday (as in, very balanced--it was a very healthy day!) and minimize my intake of these allergens without completely eliminating them. For eggs, I'll eat products with egg in them, without eating straight eggs. Same goes for milk--no ice cream, no glass of milk, no heavy servings of cheese, etc. but I'm fine with mashed potatoes made with milk or something with milk as an ingredient. As for milk on cereal, we're planning to try rice milk. For soy I'm going to continue limiting myself to soybean oil, soy protein, etc. that are ingredients... no actual soybeans or tofu for me! I'm going to limit my wheat to breading on something or 1/2 slice bread per day. I think this is a very rational and helpful agreement between the two arguments... we shall see!

Just feel like we can't get ahead...

...I know we can, and we are, but I'm very frustrated and upset right now.

D just found out that he'll be getting paid in an IOU for the month of June, and that the governor of our lovely state is reinstating furloughs (closures) and upping them from 2/month to 3/month. So 3 Fridays a month, D's office will be closed. Meaning he'll get paid 24 hours less per month. THROUGH JUNE OF 2010!!!

It is not 100% certain, but will be if no budget packages pass in the next 48 hours. And that's not looking very promising...

We are thankful that he has a job--he encounters people daily who don't, can't pay their bills, are losing their homes, etc. But we weren't expecting this. Not at all. We'll survive it, no doubt, but we won't enjoy it.

I'm starting to wonder why we live here in this "glorious" state. Yes, we're near the ocean. Yes, the weather is nice. But the government is messed up, the cost of living is astronomical, and we're so friggin' far away from everyone. Moving is starting to feel more and more appealing. If only I could convince D...

The verdict.

Well, all my blood tests again came back negative. Although I had slight (VERY SLIGHT) positives for milk, wheat, garlic and sesame seeds... all food that I eat regularly.

So 5 minutes into my skin prick tests, the nurse comes to look and says, "You definitely have some positives!!"

My back was on FIRE. I was itching like CRAZY. Turns out, almost everything came back positive. They did 27 different pricks and only FIVE came back negative (cashew, salmon, halibut, oyster and Brazil nut)

I got positive for EVERYTHING ELSE. Peanuts, almonds, wheat, milk, eggs, .... TONS of them.
The thing is, I eat milk, eggs, garlic, wheat, soybeans, etc. almost DAILY!

So what does this mean?? Well, I'm still trying to figure it all out.

I guess there are a few theories:
1) The +s to things like eggs, garlic, etc. are false. This COULD be a possibility. But then again I also got +s for stuff I reacted to in the past (far distant past of 10+ years, but still the past).
2) I AM allergic to these things, but my reaction to them is too small to cause anaphylaxis. They may be GI-related, they may be things like changing my blood pressure or ringing in my ears.

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? That is the question of the hour.

My allergist recommended that I continue to eat everything I tested + for that I ingest on a regular basis (so keep eating wheat, corn, eggs, milk, etc.) . She suggested trying a rotation diet if I wanted to. She also said that if I wanted to do an elimination diet and then slowly introduce those foods one by one, that might help me try to figure out what specific symptoms might be related to a certain food.

EVENTUALLY (say, 3 months from now when I go back) I am considering trying halibut and salmon, both of which I tested negative for by blood AND the skin tests. I would go to the office and try one of those things and then sit there for 2 hours or so for them to watch me for a reaction. I don't like the idea of eating fish (because it has ALWAYS grossed me out), but if it's another means of protein and a good source of Omega-3s (something my diet lacks), then it might be worth trying. We'll see.

But for now, I'll be doing the same thing as always...

What a roller coaster ride this is.

Testing today...

I have my skin tests today for my allergies. I've been actually looking forward to them, but in the last 24 hours I've been dreading them. I'm worried that ANOTHER food will be taken from me. Or that I've been hoping that I'll test negative to some things, and it turns out I'm still positive for everything.

I know whatever happens, I'll learn to live with it... as I'm doing now. I will just roll with the punches, whatever they might be.

Sometimes life just isn't fair...

...when D's father died, it came less than 48 hours after his cancer diagnosis. He was admitted to the hospital one day, the next day tests confirmed cancer, and the following day he died. Granted, he had had cancer the previous year and so this wasn't anything "new" but still, it was sudden. Last week I got an e-mail from a high school friend I keep in touch with on Facebook and such (she found me on Classmates.com a while ago). She was asking for prayers because her mom had been diagnosed with liver cancer and would be undergoing chemo. She said they felt optimistic, but still it was hard. I offered my words of advice and support just knowing how devastating that diagnosis can be when it's your parent... not from having experienced it myself, but from walking alongside D during that time. She thanked me for my support, and I've been praying every day. Fast-forward to just now and I got an e-mail from another high school friend who works in the same district as her mom. Apparently, she passed away yesterday or today. Just last week is when I got the e-mail asking for prayers! 1 week past diagnosis and she's gone... ugh. It just tears me up. Sometimes life just isn't fair.... Makes me think again about living every day as if it was my last...

Dreading dreamland...

I feel like a 5-year-old or something... the last week or so I've had a handful of nightmares that cause me to wake up upset, terrified, crying, and not wanting to go back to sleep. I am EXHAUSTED. Today I caught myself falling asleep at my desk! To the point where I had to ask my coworkers if they wanted to go for a walk so I could wake myself up....

I'm used to vivid dreams. D is amused by how often I have vivid ones. Usually they involve me witnessing something from afar--a plane crash, a wildfire, etc. Sometimes odd things happen (like it rains pitchforks, or the sky is purple, or we all flip upside-down suddenly)... But these are so very, very real. To the point where I wake up and it takes me a minute or two to process that what just went on WASN'T real.

What gives?

I know there is a connection between dreams and the unconscious... I know some days I'll think of someone or something momentarily and they'll appear in my dream that night. I know that sometimes I vent or express personal fears in my dreams.

But these? No clue.

I wish I knew how to turn them off. D suggested I take some Tylenol PM tonight and knock myself out. I'm afraid that that would make things worse, though, and I'd have a harder time waking up.

Hoping tonight is better, although knowing it probably won't be...

Gratitude

The last few days I have been especially filled with gratitude for all the blessings in my life--one of them being my family and friends. Just now, "Everything" by Alanis Morissette came up on my iTunes. It's still playing, actually. And as I let the words of this song flow through my ears and into my soul, I realize that her song speaks of the amazement I feel at times... the fact that I have D and some other good friends who have seen everything, and yet are still here. I can't be thankful enough. Everything I can be an asshole of the grandest kind I can withhold like it's going out of style I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone who is as negative as I am sometimes I am the wisest woman you've ever met. I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen And you've never met anyone Who's as positive as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here I blame everyone else, not my own partaking My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating I'm terrified and mistrusting And you've never met anyone as, As closed down as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can�t relate And you�re still here What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go I'm the funniest woman you've ever known. I am the dullest woman you've ever known. I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here And you're still here And you're still here...

I'm on my way...

I've had my ImmunoCAP blood test done for my allergies. Should get the results on Monday. My next allergist appointment is on June 30th for skin tests. What we're testing for will depend on what came out + and what came out - from the ImmunoCAP. Bit by bit we're getting there... figuring out the puzzle...